I tend to hide. It seems right—wise, even—to keep things close to the chest until I know, without a doubt, that it will be a roaring success. My husband, a textbook Type 3, is the opposite. He will spout off his latest and greatest ideas to anyone who will listen.
Our extreme differences in this area has been a frequent hot spot when it comes to joint efforts in our marriage. My husband wants to tell everyone that we’re considering a new business venture, a move, or a trip somewhere. I would rather wait until after it’s all said and done (and successful) to say, “Oh yeah, we did that last month.”
Finding a balance has been a continual effort. For my own work, I’ve had to admit that becoming a roaring success is difficult when nobody knows what you do. In the effort to come out of my shell, I’ve stretched myself to do “risky” things, like create a webpage for Outside of Grace. Publicly acknowledging I’ve written a book (before it’s even published?!) was terrifying. I’d rank it right up there with swimming with sharks.
But recently, I went even further. At the prompting and encouraging of Mr. Three, I offered one of my Rundle Press activity books as a door prize for my local moms group. I had rejected the idea plenty of times under the claim that I wasn’t a legitimate small business. Finally, after watching plenty of MLM products and home crafts appear in the door prize rotation, I decided I was about as legit as anyone else. Mr. Three readily agreed.
So there I stood, on a stage, talking about my preschool curriculum and busy books in front of 60 moms, and trying my best not to use phrases like “just a little thing I do.”
A friend in the group was shocked and asked me how she never knew about this. She teased me for being secretive. When I admitted that I tend to hide things away until I feel like they’re perfected, I realized it might not be such a reasonable trait after all. And in fact, it sounded very much like something a Type Five would say.
When I got home, a quick Google search provide me right ( < things Type Fives say). In fact, it came up in an article comparing Types Three and Five.
“Average Threes tend to promote themselves and to talk about their brilliant achievements, whereas average Fives tend to be secretive and reticent about their work and discoveries.”
The Enneagram Institute
Yes! Exactly! (Feeling understood is always such a lovely thing, especially when I tend to keep my thoughts trapped in my head. #writerlife) While I’m quite familiar with the Enneagram types, I read through some of the information on fives again, this time with a focus on this particular issue. I didn’t find much specific to hiding, but I could see the idea hidden in other phrases. Take this for example:
“When they get verification of their observations and hypotheses, or see that others understand their work, it is a confirmation of their competency, and this fulfills their Basic Desire. (‘You know what you are talking about.’)”
The Enneagram Institute
I identify strongly with this statement in the reverse sense. When others reject my work, it feels like a death sentence: “You are not good enough.” Rejection is hard for anyone, but I wonder if the Type Five is particularly slow to overcome it.
The basic desire of the five is to be competent and capable, and to that end, they tend to gather information endlessly, hiding and protecting their own resources to ensure they know enough and are enough. Because of this, and the fact that they must push themselves so hard to reveal their knowledge and share their resources with the world, rejection can be very painful. Once experienced, they may hold onto their knowledge and resources tighter than ever.
As a type five, one of the most important things I’m learning about rejection is to not let it become a label or identity. Just because a literary agent rejected my book doesn’t mean the book is bad, or that I’m a bad writer. I have to face the rejection head on: what is the truth, plain and simple? For all I know, it could have been that the agent was already overbooked, they weren’t the right fit, or anything else. Or maybe they do think my book is bad. I thought Frankenstein by Mary Shelley was awful. One person’s opinion does not equal an absolute truth.
It takes an arsenal of resources to overcome rejection. Reframing, small successes, and the encouragement of friends are helping me make slow, steady progress. Adding an awareness of how my personality functions helps me realize what might not be an entirely rational or “right” response, so that I can work towards a healthier balance.
While I don’t think I need to become as outgoing and sharing as a Type Three, I know that Type Fives are gifts to the world in their own way. They just have to learn to share those gifts. So to myself and other Fives: Yes, be observant, be quiet, keep it close, but when you’re ready, with the right people, share those gifts. The world needs them.
Anna Daugherty — Author 